Falling Apart
by fallenangelcries
Summary: This is an AU fic. Takes place during Merediths Residency at Seattle Grace. She was not an intern at Seattle Grace, Derek is already divorced. This is them starting as friends, well sort of. MerDer of course. Rated M for later chapters
1. Chapter 1

_One moment is all it takes to change a person's life. At the time they may not even realize that it is happening. So they walk through the day like everything is normal, that the night before never happened. It isn't always easy but that's what we do as humans to survive. Then the night comes again and the memories begin to haunt you. So you find solace in alcohol, an old friend._

I sat at the bar and looked around with a sigh. Nothing was going right tonight. The bartender looked at me and I nodded indicating I wanted another shot. I looked at the amber liquid in the shot glass and wondered how it had come to this. Drinking shot after shot, one night stands. My life was falling apart and I had no idea how to stop it all. I came to Joe's every night. Some nights were spent there with my friends from the hospital. I was an attending there. I had done my internship in Boston and was offered a position back home in Seattle. I couldn't refuse the offer. Richard Webber and my mother were close to put it nicely. There so called friendship put an end to my parents marriage. It hurt and I will admit for a long time I was spiteful and I hated them both. But I hated my father most, he walked out on us. The damn coward didn't bother to fight for us. He left me alone with a mother to busy with work and an affair to really care about me. So I did what I had to and survived. Now here I am back in Seattle working for the man I had once called my enemy. Over the years I had gotten to know him, after I started med school.

There relationship was over at that point. But for some reason he had taken a special interest in me. He helped me get my internship after I refused to take one in Seattle. I just wasn't ready to be home yet. So I went to Boston and he made sure to check up on me. The years flew by quickly and I had proven myself to be a formidable surgeon quite early in my internship. It wasn't my fault really; I tried not to stand out. But people knew my mother and because of that they thought I would be good. And I was never one to disappoint. Sure I would disappoint myself, but never others. I had to prove myself when it came to my job. I worked my hardest, and pushed through a lot of emergencies that I shouldn't have been involved with. But I was there and instinct has a way of taking over. Things seemed to be okay when I got back here. I am now a formidable Neurosurgeon and I love the work environment and the friends I have made. But then I got the news that brought my world crashing down, my mother the renowned Ellis Grey had Alzheimer's. That's where the tequila came in. I began a new routine of work, tequila and sleeping with my friend Alex. He usually met me here at Joe's but I told him I needed the night off. I hadn't been feeling to good lately, and figured it was the stress and the long hours at work. So here I was drowning my sorrows in tequila the same as every other night with one exception, tonight I would not be sleeping with Alex Karev.

"Tequila, you are going to regret that in the morning." A soft voice came from the side. I didn't bother to turn my head. I was used to people approaching me at the bar, trying to get my attention.

"I am going to regret a lot of things in the morning." I spat out before downing the shot. I didn't bother with salt or a lime. Tonight I wanted to take the burn raw, there was no point in trying to lighten the pain, and I needed it to escape.

"Are you trying to ignore me?" The man asked. I had to give him credit for being persistent. I turned my head and couldn't help the fact that my eyes widened slightly, he was handsome I had to admit it. Amazing blue eyes, dark hair that seemed to have its own little flip to it. There was just something about him that drew me in, and I knew I had to resist the urge. My life was full right now; I didn't need to complicate it by picking up a stranger in the bar.

"Well actually I am." I said with a laugh, running a hand through my long blonde hair. I turned away from him and bit down lightly on my lower lip. I didn't want to continue speaking to him. It was a bad idea and I knew it.

"You shouldn't." He said staring at me. I turned and looked at him my eyes locking with his. My heart rate sped up a little and I couldn't look away, I swear to god I tried not to keep my eyes locked on his but it didn't work.

"Why not?" I asked with a small smile glancing down for a moment trying to calm myself.

"Because I'm someone you need to get to know to love." He said with a cheesy smile, confidence in his voice. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the statement he had said with such honesty. It was a different sort of line; I had to give the guy credit for originality. Maybe I was just kidding myself; I wanted an excuse to talk to him.

"Really? Well I guess we will have to see about that." I said with a soft laugh and his smile grew. "Why don't we start with a drink?" I asked eyebrow raised slightly.

"That works for me. Derek Shepard." He said extending his hand to me.

"Meredith Grey." I took his hand and shook it with a smile. I knew that I would not be bringing him home for a drunken night of sex. I knew who he was. Then again what Neurosurgeon didn't? Derek Shepard was famous and everyone knew who he was. I had always wanted to meet the man, but I never expected it to be with him hitting on me in a bar. Joe walked over and Derek smiled at him.

"Another scotch and tequila for the beautiful Ms. Grey." Derek said to Joe with a grin. "So tell me Meredith what is it you do for a living?" He asked with genuine curiosity in his voice. I paused not sure I wanted to tell him. Not sure I wanted this time to end; when he realized who I was things would change. I heard the rumors of the chief bringing in some hot shot for the position of head of the Neurosurgery board. I wasn't surprised that it would be Dr. Shepard, not at all. But there was no point in lying, he would find out soon enough. So I took a deep breath and decided to be honest.

"I am a Neurosurgeon, an attending at Seattle Grace." I whispered studying him for a reaction. A flicker of recognition was in his eyes for a moment and I cocked my eyebrow.

"So you're the one Richard won't shut up about." Derek said with a laugh. I wasn't surprised to hear this. It seemed Richard bragged about me quite often. Though sometimes I am sure what he had to say was not nice. It figured but I had to deal with that. I owed a lot to him. Joe came over with the drinks and set them down with a smile. He didn't speak to us which was unusual. But maybe he sensed the connection between the two of us. I know that I felt it, but I wondered if Derek did also.

"I am not sure that is a good thing." I said with a laugh and slight shrug of my shoulders. "He has been watching out for me for years now. His way of making up for the past I suppose." I laughed again and tried not to think of what he had to make up for. That would lead to more tequila which would lead to another one night stand to add to my list. I didn't want to deal with that anymore; the shame was too much to deal with. "And you are going to be the new head of Neuro?"

"Well I didn't think anyone knew about that yet, but yes." He said with a smirk. "I am the best neurosurgeon from the East Coast. Hopefully this will ensure I am the best in the country."

I studied him silently. He was confident but not cocky. Though just by looking at him I could tell the man was arrogant and got what he wanted. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Derek sat there staring at me and I smiled again, I couldn't help myself. His smile is contagious, but I don't mind. I felt comfortable and relaxed for the first time in a long time sitting here with the man who would soon be my boss. I was going to say something when I felt a hand caress my lower back. I knew that touch without even turning and I had to force a smile on my face.

"Alex what are you doing here?" I asked trying to force myself to sound cheerful. He was the last person I wanted to see. I told him that tonight I wanted to be alone. I doubt he came here looking for me, but none the less here we were.

"Well you said you needed a night alone so I came out drinking." He paused and eyed Derek. "And then I walk in to find you drinking and laughing with some other guy." Jealousy dripped from his words and it disgusted me.

"Well Derek is an old friend from Boston." I said with a smile as I leaned over and grabbed Derek's hand, relieved when he didn't pull away. "I had no idea he was in town."

"Well Merbear, I wanted it to be a surprise." Derek said going along with the act. His voice was low and smooth as he spoke. His gaze settled on Alex and Derek scooted loser to me almost marking his territory. Normally I would back away from a guy like that, but at this instant I was grateful to the man.

"But yes Alex, we were getting ready to head back to my place to um," I paused and let a sultry smile raise on my lips, "talk." I finished while looking between the two men. Alex looked anything but happy and I stood up grabbing Derek's hand again leading him out of the bar into the cool night air.

We stepped outside and I let out a long laugh and looked up into his eyes. They were lit up with laughter or his own and I couldn't help but reach up and place my hand against the side of his face. He stepped closer and I stepped away until I was pressed against the wall. In that instant I knew what was going to happen. I placed my hand on his chest and pushed lightly, trying to see if I could get him to back up. But he was standing there looking down at me through half closed eyes and I couldn't resist. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer, I barely had time to breathe before his lips came crashing down on mine. The kiss was anything but gentle and romantic, it was full of raw passion and it was fierce. Our mouths were pressed together and I let out a barely audible moan when I felt his teeth nip first at my lower lip, then at my tongue when I tried to seek his out. He pulled away and looked down at me. I knew my cheeks were flushed and I couldn't look him in the eyes. My knees were week and I didn't know what to say or do next.

"We can't." I whispered looking up at him as I stepped away from the wall, away from him. Trying to ignore the emptiness I felt inside when I no longer felt his heat was difficult. "But we could go back to my house for drinks." He said nothing in response just nodded at me. I grabbed his hand again and led him towards my car unlocking it I got in and opened the passenger door for him. I wasn't sure how well this was all going to go and I knew my friends were going to give me hell for this later. You did not bring your new boss home for drinks, and you definitely did not kiss them in front of a bar. We drove off in silence neither of us noticing the very angry Alex Karev standing at the door to the bar.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy if I did then things would be A LOT different.

I woke up with a slight crick in my neck yet I was still extremely comfortable and warmer than I normally was upon waking. I turned my head slightly and smiled up at the sleeping form of Derek. We were lying on the couch, and his arms were wrapped around me. I felt safe in his embrace. There was something almost soothing about the scent of him, about the warmth emanating from his body. And I knew that feeling this comfortable with him was not a good thing. If anything it would lead to disaster. Surprisingly I was not hung over. I expected to be but it turns out I did manage to get enough sleep the night before.

I carefully disentangled myself from his sleeping form and stood up backing away from the couch slowly. We didn't get much talking about anything important done the night before. But we did manage to polish off a bottle and a half of tequila and spend the evening laughing and kissing quite a bit. Somehow I resisted his charms and we did not end up in bed together. I looked at the blue screen on the TV and took a guess at the fact that we watched a movie. I popped it out of the VCR and smiled, of course it had to be one of my mom's surgical tapes. Most surgeons that I knew wanted a chance to see The Ellis Grey in action. And I will admit she was at one time an amazing surgeon, but she always was a terrible mom. I put the tape back into the box that was in the hall closet and closed the door a little louder than I intended. I heard grumbling coming from the living room and walked back in there with a polite smile on my face.

"Sorry about that Derek. Can I get you coffee or something?" I asked from the doorway. Derek was now sitting up on the couch rubbing his eyes. He looked exhausted and I was guessing he didn't sleep as peacefully as me.

"Coffee, aspirin, more sleep." He said with a weary smile and a shrug of his shoulders. "Remind me to never drink tequila again."

"Oh it can't be that bad." I said with a small laugh before turning and heading into the bathroom to grab him some aspirin. I opened the medicine cabinet and looked around with a small sigh. "We are out of aspirin." I called out the door towards the living room. The only thing I could find was some Midol, so he would either settle for that or he would have to deal with the hangover. I peeked into the living room before heading on to the kitchen to make the coffee. Derek was still sitting in the same spot now rubbing his temples, a slight grimace of pain stretched across his lips.

I put the coffee on and leaned against the counter letting my thoughts wander. Today wasn't supposed to be too busy, no surgeries scheduled unless an emergency popped up. I was looking forward to the day, it should go smoothly and with any luck I would be back home around 8. I wondered what Derek would be doing, and I guessed that he would end up at the Hospital. I found myself looking forward to running into him again. It would be a bit weird if he did get the job as the head of Neuro, and I was almost positive that he would. I remember back during my internship I saw him once; he came into Boston General for a consult. I wasn't picked to be on his case which was disappointing but I watched the surgery from the gallery. That was the moment I decided to become a neurosurgeon. All I could see were his eyes, he looked up into the gallery once or twice, and I could have sworn he was staring at me. But of course he wasn't, why on earth would one of the top Neurosurgeons in the country be checking out some lowly intern.

The smell of the roasting coffee brought me back to the present. I still remembered the moment that I thought we shared while he was doing his surgery. But I doubted he would remember as well. I opened up the cabinet above the sink and grabbed two coffee mugs. I didn't know how he took his coffee but I was guessing black. So I poured two cups and set them down on the table, the Midol sitting next to one of the mugs.

"Coffee is ready." I called into the living room. I heard a few sluggish footsteps then looked up to see him approaching the table. He looked at the bottle of Midol and laughed, the first real laugh I had heard from him.

"No aspirin?" He asked as he sat down and lifted to mug to his lips, taking a cautious sip so as not to burn his tongue.

"Midol works better." I said before taking a gulp of my coffee. The bitter taste was welcome and I anticipated the energy the caffeine would bring. I watched as Derek opened the Midol and took out two pills. He popped them into his mouth and washed them down with the coffee.

"I guess we shall see."

"Well I need to get ready and head to work." I said as I stood up from the table, mug in hand. "Are you going to need a ride to the hospital?"

"If it won't be an inconvenience then yes." He said with a small smile.

"No that's fine." I said as I walked out of the kitchen and towards the bathroom again. I took another gulp of coffee before setting it down on the counter and looking in the mirror. I looked tired still, darkened circles under my eyes, and bags beginning to form. Night after night at the bar was beginning to take its toll. I stripped off my clothing and stood there studying my nude form for a moment. I never thought of myself as anything special. My breasts were average sized, my hips the same. I looked like most of the petite blonde women out there in my opinion. I turned away from the mirror and started the shower, making the water as hot as my body could stand. I never could take a cold shower, not even to wake up in the morning.

I stepped into the shower and let out a contented sigh as the hot water started pulsing on my skin. Standing in the shower is one of the few times of the day that I am truly alone. As a surgeon it is hard to get privacy, at work you are bustling here and there. Then even when you aren't at work there is the constant worry about your patients, and the chance of getting paged right back to work. So I was savoring these few moments of solitude. I grabbed my shampoo and poured a quarter sized amount into the palm of my hand. I worked it in my hair until the lather was thick then stepped back and let the water wash it all away. Conditioner was next; I worked it into my hair and inhaled the scent of lavender deeply. I felt the last of the tension ease away from my body at the scent. It soothed me down to my very core. I heard knocking at the door and gripped the bar in the tub to stop myself from falling. I knew who it was, there was only one other person in the house besides me, but I wasn't used to the knocking, not in the morning, not during my shower.

"Meredith, is there another bathroom so I can start cleaning up?" I heard him say a bit loudly. I did have two bathrooms in the house, but the other one wasn't working right now. Something was wrong with the plumbing and I didn't get it fixed yet.

"Um, not right now. Just get ready in here." I shouted out to him. It wasn't like he would be able to see anything through the curtains. I heard the door open then close again. Even with the curtain closed I could tell he was staring at it, and I felt like he wanted to say something. "Do you need anything?"

"Well I don't have a toothbrush, shampoo or conditioner." He said wryly.

"There is an unopened toothbrush on the top shelf of the medicine cabinet." I said before grabbing the shampoo and conditioner. I stuck my arm through the curtain and felt goose bumps raise on the exposed skin. "Here." I said pulling back when I felt him grab the bottles.

"Thank you."

I had to let the conditioner sit for a little longer so I leaned against the tile wall and sighed softly. My bathroom wasn't really small, but with him in it, it felt smaller than I even imagined possible. I grabbed my face wash and started to wash my face, then rinsed it and the conditioner out. All that was left was washing my body. I grabbed a loofah and the vanilla scented body wash before lathering up. The smell was good, but not as intoxicating as the lavender scented shampoo and conditioner. I turned off the shower and laughed realizing that I could not get out of the shower.

"Derek can you hand me the towel from the back of the door?" I asked while sticking my arm back out of the shower. I felt the towel be draped across my arm and pulled it behind the curtain with me. I dried off quickly and wrapped the towel around myself, looking down to be sure everything was covered. I stepped out of the shower and gasped at the sight of Derek standing there shirtless his hair slicked back with water.

"I love the scent of your shampoo, it suits you." He said with a smile before wetting the toothbrush he had in hand. He moved over slightly making room for me at the sink. I didn't say anything just opened the medicine cabinet and got out my toothbrush and the toothpaste. I ran the toothbrush under the water before putting a small amount of toothpaste on the bristles. I handed the tube to Derek before starting to brush my teeth, wondering how today would go. When I finished I rinsed the brush again and put it away.

"I will meet you out by the car." I said before going to my bedroom. I pulled open a drawer and grabbed a pair of faded blue jeans. They were my favorite pair, after nearly 7 years they still fit, though lately they had been getting a little bit tighter, I just didn't know why. I opened up the next drawer and grabbed a plain black t-shirt and a black bra. I pulled both of them on and did a quick glance in the mirror. I didn't have enough time to blow-dry my hair so I pulled it back in a ponytail and glanced back in the mirror to study the results. For some reason, today my appearance mattered. And that reason was probably the handsome surgeon currently getting ready in my bathroom. I sighed once more and headed outside to the car to wait for him. I got in the drivers side and started the car putting a Clash CD in. I glanced up and saw Derek heading towards the car with a smile on his face.

"Thanks again for the ride." He said as he got into the car. "I love this song." He whispered before closing his eyes and mouthing the words. I laughed softly and shook my head before pulling out and heading towards the hospital.

A/N: First thank you to: Brandi Rochon, AllAboutSoul, and nfinchamscheff for your reviews. I love getting feedback on my stories. Hope you three aren't disappointed by the chapter. I know this one is only Meredith and Derek but really I could not resist. And no romance this time, sorry. I tried to think of something 'fluffy' to put in there but I think I did a good job with the chapter. I am hoping to get the rest of our beloved characters in the next chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, though I really wish I did.

* * *

_Failure, the one thing that haunts us all. No human wants to fail at anything, but sometimes you can not avoid it. Those are the times that you beat yourself up, wonder what you could have done differently. _

I leaned against the wall of an on call room. I was avoiding what I had to do now. Exactly a half hour ago I called the time of death for a 15 year old girl with a brain tumor in the frontal lobe of her brain. The procedure I performed had been risky; I explained that to the parents. But I thought I could do it. I thought that she could survive. But no, she died on the table and as much as I fought for her, she didn't make it. I had scrubbed out as quickly as possible, trying not o break down in front of the rest of the surgical team. Then finally I made it here, to a random room and leaned against the wall tears flowing down my face. I couldn't face her parents, not yet. She was an only child and this was sure to destroy them. And here I was the one to bear the bad news.

I wiped my eyes and looked in the mirror bolted to the wall. My grey-green eyes were bloodshot and puffy, red around the edges. To be honest most of my face had red covering it. There was no way I could go out there looking like this. I had to be composed. I was a surgeon for crying out loud, I was supposed to be stronger than this. I jumped at the sound of knocking. I didn't want to open the door and have to let some co worker see me like this. Since I had started they all thought I was cold, some even thought I was cruel. But it wasn't the truth. I just had to keep my feelings separate from everything else. Because when I didn't I ended up in these situations, bad ones. But the knocking persisted and I couldn't ignore it. It seemed that the person on the other side of the door either needed me urgently, or was extremely tired. I wiped my eyes again and studied my reflection. It could be worse I supposed. The puffiness and redness was starting to subside, but it was still obvious that I was crying.

I opened the door and a small relieved smile broke through my features. Standing on the other side of the door was my person, Christina. If I had to choose a best friend out of everyone who I worked with it would be her. Sure I was friends with Izzie and George, but it just wasn't the same kind of relationship that I had with Christina. I never have to watch what I say with her, and she gives good advise if you can get past the heavy sarcasm and the sometimes cruelty. But that is who she is.

"God, there you are. I thought you might have jumped off the roof or something." She said while studying me.

"No, just needed to clean up, and umm," I paused trying to think of how to explain my solitary time to her. "I needed to think of how I will break the news to Leah's parents."

She cringed slightly at my use of the patient's name. A big difference between me and my best friend is that I do get close to some of my patients. Now I don't take it to the extreme and fall in love with one, but I get to know them. But sometimes that makes it harder in the end, if they don't make it or if there are complications.

"Mer, its just like any other patient, suck it up and do it already so we can get lunch. I am starving." She said before reaching out and grabbing my upper arm with her small hand. Christina practically dragged me down the hall to the waiting area. I didn't bother attempting a smile. There was no point. My stomach was churning slightly and I wasn't sure I would be able to do this. I peeked through the window and saw them sitting on the couch looking around at the other waiting families. There eyes were red and they looked like all hope was gone. I knew when I walked in there I would confirm that for them. I turned and looked at Christina again a pleading look in my eyes. But all she did was pointed to the door. "Go you need to do this."

I took a deep breath and opened the door. I felt all the eyes in the room on me and I cleared my throat before speaking. "Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, come with me please." I gestured to a door leading to a conference room. I opened the door and waited for them to enter the room and take a seat before closing the door behind us.

"Where is Leah? When can we see her?" Mrs. Thompson asked, her voice higher pitched than I remembered. "Is she alright. God please tell me she's all right." The woman pleaded, tears filling her eyes.

"I am so sorry sir, ma'am." I began as gently as I possibly could. "I explained before you agreed to this surgery that it was risky." I paused and closed my eyes for a moment, haunted by the face of the adolescent girl. "There were complications. There was a clot that didn't show up on the MRI, when we tried to remove the tumor the clot burst causing your daughter to bleed out. We did everything we could to save her, I am so sorry."

I watched as the two broke down in front of me. The pain in there eyes was more intense than anything I had ever seen before. I could tell that the loss of there child killed a part of them. I watched as the tears fell freely from both there eyes and as the wife leaned into her husband, soaking the front of his shirt with her tears. Mr. Thompson wiped the tears from his face with the back of his hand before enveloping his wife in a hug, murmuring comforting words in her ear. There was nothing left for me to say or do. With a small nod to the husband I stood up and rushed out of the room. Christina was standing outside the door and put an arm around my shoulders for a second, her from of a hug I suppose. It was over almost immediately and we made our way down to the cafeteria.

We got in line and I had no idea what I was going to get yet. After the morning I had my appetite was just about non existent. But surprisingly the cafeteria food smelled decent today. I got a grilled cheese, some fries, a banana, and a bottle of apple juice. Sure not the healthiest thing, but when it comes to food I am not very health conscious. Junk food makes me feel better, and I can accept that little addiction. It seemed like lately I had been picking up a lot of addictions. It probably had to do with stress from work and with my mother. She wasn't getting any better, in fact if anything she was getting worse. She rarely remembered me and when she did it was only for a few moments at a time. I hated it and it hurt me a lot. So I drank, ate, and had sex.

We paid for our food and made out way to a table in the back corner of the cafeteria. It was obvious she needed to talk to me in private, and this was as private as one could get in the cafeteria. I set my tray down on the table before taking the seat closest to the wall. I sat and looked around to make sure that no one else was there that would try and sit with them. It was obvious that Christina needed to talk to her person, and I was more than happy to oblige. Maybe if she was talking to me then I could get my mind off of my patient. Though drinking would probably dull the pain a lot better than just talking about something else. But for now, while I was stuck here at work it would have to do.

"So any reason we need to sit here." I gestured to our table, "Isolated from the rest of the world."

"It's Burke." Christina said bitterly. "He wants more, and I don't think I can give it. So tell me what to do. I am not good with all this feelings crap."

I laughed and shook my head slightly as I twisted the cap off of the apple juice. I took a gulp as I held an internal debate; I wasn't quite sure what to say. I knew that she was looking to me for all the answers but that wasn't wise. When it came to relationships I was a lost cause. I was horrible with them, I preferred not having to commit.

"Well," I paused and took a deep breath. "Talk to him. Tell him that you aren't sure that right now is the best time to be moving forward. I don't know what else you can do."

"Great advice, why didn't I think of that?" She asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Damn it Mer, I tried that already." I heard her groan slightly and looked up to see Burke and Karev making there way towards us. I shook my head and got up. "Don't go." Christina pleaded, but when she looked into my eyes and saw the fear that was there she nodded and I ran.

I always run. It is what I do best; when things get to difficult to deal with I just don't deal. I run either physically or emotionally. This situation was no different. For awhile now I was wondering how I would end things with Alex. But it wasn't going to be easy, the man just refused to give up. It all started with the night I came back and realized how bad it was getting with my mother. I went out and drank far too much and decided to take him home with me. He was great in bed, well at least when I was drinking. We had yet to have sex sober and I am fine with that. It has been years since I have had sober sex. That's probably because it had been years since I was in a serious relationship. I didn't trust anyone enough to let them in. It was too difficult, and I always ended up getting hurt. What I did was easier, safer. Sex with no commitment, no need to get attached.

I kept going not bothering to pay attention to where I was heading. I spotted one of the on call rooms and closed myself in it. As my eyes adjusted to the semi darkness of the room I noticed that a man was occupying one of the beds. It only took a moment for me to realize it was Derek. I was going to back out of the room again when I heard Alex's voice traveling down the hall. I knew that I had to choose the lesser of two evils, and at that moment that meant staying locked in an on call room with Dr. Shepard. I heard a knock on the door and moved quickly, lying down on the floor behind the cot Derek was occupying. Light flooded the room for an instant and I heard Derek grumble before it was closed again. I sat up and looked at him, his eyes were closed again and I was tempted to lie down next to him.

I had time before I needed to be anywhere so I stayed sitting there watching him. He rolled over and his eyes widened when he saw me staring at him. Without a word he scooted over a little bit on the bed and patted the mattress next to him. I climbed up and laid down next to him trying to ignore how safe I felt in his presence.

"Any reason you were hiding on the floor behind me?" He asked a hint of a smile in his voice.

"Remember Alex, the guy from last night?" I asked softly, "Well he won't leave me alone." I sighed and shook my head slightly.

"I could always help with that." He said with another smile. "I can make sure he won't bother you."

"As kind of an offer as that is," I paused and looked away, "I need to take care of this on my own."

Derek didn't respond but pulled me closer to him. At that moment all my worries about Alex and about my mother faded away and I felt like it would all be ok. I inhaled his scent, sweat a hint of soap and then something that couldn't be described, it was just him, the scent was completely masculine. I inhaled deeply and let out a soft sigh. It was getting difficult to resist the urge to kiss him again. The first kiss could be passed off as an error in judgment, a mistake. But that wouldn't work if it happened again. I turned away from him, but he didn't release me. One hand rested on my hip, the other was softly stroking my hair. I heard him inhale and imagined that he smelled me. I didn't take offense to it though; I had been doing the same thing moments before.

"What is it that you are doing? What do you want?" I whispered the questions. Not quite sure he could actually hear me. But I needed to know. If he wanted to actually try something real I wasn't sure what I would say. I have never been good at relationships, in a way I hate them.

"I'm not quite sure." He murmured into my hair. "But you are fascinating." He brushed some hair away from my neck and placed a light kiss against it. "And beautiful." He continued. I held my breath, my heart rate had sped up the instant his lips touched my neck. It was a gentle brush really, but still it affected me. "And an amazing doctor. Maybe we should try one date." He whispered into my ear before placing a kiss on the outer rim of my ear.

"And I'm not quite sure that's a good idea." I said softly. "Maybe we should hang out, just as friends." I continued, it hurt slightly when I felt him tense up. I didn't want him to take it the wrong way. I was interested but it was not a good idea. I knew that, and I was sure that he probably knew it too. "I like you, but right now I don't need dating."

"Fine." The word sounded forced to my ears. I expected him to pull away now, but he didn't. He pulled me a little bit closer and whispered into my ear, "But know this, I am not going to give up."

* * *

A/N----Thank you everyone for the reviews. Sorry it took a bit to get an update. But I haven't been able to get onto the internet from home and work has been crazy. I was thinking of maybe trying a chapter from Derek's P.O.V. not the next one, but maybe the one after. Let me know what you guys think of the idea. And keep up the reviews, reviews make me happy, and when I am happy I write more…ha-ha…well lunch it over, time to get back to work.

Much love,

Erica


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any of the lovely cast of characters; I just like to play with them.

_It doesn't take much to tear your world apart. One moment you are going about life like everything is ok, the next it all comes crashing down around you. That's when you have to pretend its all ok still. Breathe, and fake a smile. That is what it takes to get through, to make everyone think nothing is wrong. Because face it; sometimes not even you can face the problem._

I woke up in his arms for the second time that day and found I didn't mind the feeling at all. But when I checked my watch I realized that it was time for me to get going. I turned so I was lying on my back and carefully lifted his arm off of me. I slid off the cot and looked at him sleeping peacefully one more time. I didn't know if he had anywhere to be, but I was sure he would be paged if something came up. I opened the door and stepped out, quickly shutting the door behind me. The bright fluorescent lighting of the hospital hurt my eyes as they readjusted to the light. I rubbed them wearily and sighed; I was beyond tired and had been for awhile. I was drained and had no idea why. I wasn't working any more hours that I always have or getting any less sleep. I was just plain tired.

I started to feel a little dizzy so I leaned against the wall. I was feeling off, staying close to the wall I made my way towards the bathroom. I was relieved to find it empty and looked in the mirror, my skin was pale and my hair was mussed up. I ran a hand through it and grimaced as a wave of nausea hit me. I raced into one of the stalls, locking it behind me before emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet. I sat back shaking slightly and sighed, wondering if that was it. But it seemed my body wasn't through yet. A second later I was leaning back over the toilet dry heaving. It was beginning to hurt so I leaned back again and rubbed my watering eyes. All the possible diagnosis ran through my head, but one of them stuck out, pregnancy. It was entirely possible, even though I used protection most of the time even I could not be a hundred percent sure it was always used. I was a doctor; I was supposed to be smarter than the average person. But one fool proof thing that everyone should know, alcohol makes everyone stupid from time to time. I stood up slowly and made my way to the OB department. Izzie was sitting in a chair looking at a chart when I stopped and looked at her. She looked up with a smile but the instant she saw the look on my face the smile fell.

"You ok? You look a little pale." Her voice was full of concern. I pointed towards an exam room and shook my head. We continued onto the room in silence and as soon as we entered she turned and locked the door. "Ok what happened?"

"I need a pregnancy test." I said looking at her. "And this needs to stay between the two of us." Up until recently Izzie had been living with me in my mother's house. But after having to bear witness too many one night stands she left. I didn't blame her. She shouldn't have to put up with my self destruction.

"Hop up onto the table and I will draw some blood and put a rush on it." Izzie told me with a concerned smile. I didn't want to know what she was thinking right now. Not even I knew who the father would be. I just hoped that if I was the father was not Alex. But what I really hoped was for the test to come back negative. I felt the prick of the needle and didn't even grimace. She handed me a cotton ball which I put over the pinprick size hole in my arm and sat to wait. "It will take about 20 minutes for me to get a result. Should I page someone for you Mer?"

"No, I want to be alone." I said my voice devoid of emotion as I watched her walk out the door. I knew that if I was pregnant I would be keeping the baby. There was no way I could do otherwise. But having a kid scared me; I don't think I would make a good mother. My mother was horrible and we learn from our parents. Plus I had a busy job. Sure Bailey managed to make it work, but she was the Nazi. She could make anything work. I sat there and wiped my sweaty palms off on my scrubs. Under normal circumstances twenty minutes will fly by. But when you are waiting for life changing news it doesn't seem to be that way.

I lay back on the exam table and sighed softly wondering when the wait would be over. I was terrified of getting the results. If I was pregnant I would have to give up drinking, one night stands and a lot of my lifestyle. At least I wouldn't have to worry about finding a bigger place. The four bedroom home that I owned would do well even with a bigger family. I rubbed my eyes wearily and tried to think of something else, anything else. Then my thoughts drifted to him, Dr. Derek Shepard neurosurgeon extraordinaire. I was attracted to him and would love to actually try something. But too many things were standing against us. Work, my bad habits, and now possibly a fatherless baby. None of the aforementioned things led to a healthy relationship. Great, now I am talking about a relationship with the man. I do not do them, and won't do them. It would make more sense to start as friends, and see where that would lead first. Besides I needed more friends, they were helpful when life got too complicated.

I looked down at my shaking hands and wished suddenly that I was not sitting there alone. I didn't want to get Christina she already had enough going on, Izzie was off getting my test results, and the other residents were busy. Everyone I could turn to was busy. I had never felt more alone that I did in that moment, sitting there on the exam table waiting to know whether or not my life would be changed forever. I took a deep breath and tried to imagine my life with a kid. No more working crazy hours or if I chose to I would have to hire someone else to take care of my child. At least I had friends surrounding me.

The door opened and Izzie walked in with a folded sheet of paper in her hands. I looked up at her expectantly and wondered what the look on her face meant. She wasn't good at hiding her emotions normally but right now her face was expressionless.

"Do you want to read the results yourself?" She asked with a slightly raised eyebrow. I shook my head; I didn't think I would be able to read anything right now. I sat there bracing myself for the news, and then Izzie spoke. "Meredith you are pregnant." I felt my jaw drop and I shook my head trying to deny the undeniable. I was going to become a mother. "Do you know who the father is?" She asked as nice as one could ask that question. I looked up at her with frightened eyes and shook my head again before standing up and leaving the room. I couldn't speak I was in shock. I walked to the locker room and changed out of my scrubs. My shift wasn't over for another hour yet but I couldn't stay here any longer. I needed to get out of there as fast as I could. I grabbed my purse and headed out of the hospital not stopping till I was standing out in the rain.

It was cold against my skin and felt refreshing. Somehow standing there it all became real. And I wasn't sure I could deal with it. There was a baby growing inside of me that I wasn't sure I wanted. But I couldn't get rid of it, I knew myself to well. So here I was, single pregnant and scared out of my mind. I don't know how long I stood out there shivering but I turned and saw Derek staring at me, concern etched into his face.

"Meredith what are you doing out here? You are going to get sick." He walked up to me and put his coat around my shoulders before leading me out to my car. "If it's not too much trouble I need a ride to my hotel. I haven't found a place of my own yet." He said looking at me expectantly.

"We can go pick up your stuff." I said with a sigh, "I have three extra rooms, you can stay with me." I opened my door and got in before opening the passenger door. He got into the car and pulled out a CD. "Do you like The Fray?" He asked. I nodded and he put the CD in changing the song until he got to the one I loved the best, 'How to Save a Life'. "Step one you say we need to talk, he walks you say sit down its just a talk, he smiles politely back at you, you stare politely right on through." I had started singing without even thinking about it. Then I looked at Derek and saw him watching me obviously enjoying listening to me sing. I blushed and immediately stopped singing and just listened as it played on the radio.

"You have an amazing voice." He said with a smile. "And really, you don't need to let me stay with you; I can do just fine on my own."

"I want you to." I paused and sighed, "My roommates recently moved out and I really hate living alone. I got used to having them around." We stopped at a red light and the car became quiet except for the sound of the music. I ran a hand through my hair and looked back over at him. "So really it isn't a big deal."

"Why did they move out?" He asked curiously. I hesitated, not sure if I should give him the reasons they left me. But he was bound to hear about it sometime, so I might as well be the one to show how screwed up I really was.

"They didn't want to see me self destruct." I said with a shrug before taking off and heading towards the hotel he was staying at. It didn't take long to get there and I laughed when I saw the place. It was a rundown building and it looked a bit dingy. "I have made a lot of mistakes." I said shaking my head. I parked in front and Derek got out I watched as he walked up to the hotel door and wondered what in the hell I was doing.

I shut my eyes and leaned back a little in my seat, my hand resting on my stomach. I wasn't showing yet, and I didn't even know how far along I was. I had a doctors appointment scheduled for the following Monday and I was terrified. But as scary of a prospect as being a mother was I couldn't help but feel at least a little bit excited. Like most women I had always felt somewhat of an urge to have children one day. I just never expected one day to come in my first year of residency, while I was still attempting to establish myself at the hospital. I knew Richard would be supportive, he always was. But I was terrified the child would be Alex's. Everything with him was a mistake to begin with. If I was carrying his child we would be bound together for the rest of our lives. I don't think I would be able to handle it. Alex is an arrogant asshole. I have known him and the gang for a long time. Me and Christina went to med-school together and kept in touch afterwards. When I heard she got the internship at Seattle Grace I had popped in whenever I got a chance, which was rare I have to admit.

Alex has and always will be the same. But back then I wasn't as dark and twisted as I am now. I was still relatively happy; my mother still somewhat knew who I was. She didn't think I would make a great surgeon but she believed Richard when he told her I was doing good. But now she rarely if ever knows who I am. It hurts to have to see her like that, and I don't visit as often as I should. But every time I am there I am forced to relive my childhood. The days where I was unloved, alone, broken. Well even more broken than I am now. Though with the whole having a baby, I think I might have just been broken all over again.

"Penny for your thoughts?" I heard his voice and turned to look at him, a smile of relief spreading across my lips. Funny how he could affect me this way. I barely knew the man and yet he makes me feel so safe, and everything seems to get better when he was around. Here I was allowing him to live with me. Some people tell me that I leap before looking, I suppose that's true. But it makes life more interesting.

"I just have a lot going on I suppose." I looked at his bag and laughed softly. "You sure didn't bring much." I said while shaking my head.

"The rest hasn't been shipped yet. I was waiting till I actually had a home. Not just a hotel room." He shrugged his shoulders. "Well lets head _home_." He whispered, putting a little more emphasis on the last word then necessary.

"Oh yeah." I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out George's old key. Izzie still had hers. "Here is your key." When he grabbed it from me our fingertips touched and I felt my skin tingle in response. With just that one little touch I was left craving more. But I had to refrain from acting on it. I must like to torture myself, I was letting the man live with me and there was no way he would want me now. No I was pregnant; I had too much baggage for anyone to handle now.

"Are you sure you're ok?" He asked concern etched in his voice. "You seem troubled. I can tell. And you have to tell me, I am your new best friend, your room mate." He flashed me a dreamy smile, and I couldn't help but smile in return.

"It's a long story. And one I am not quite sure how to explain yet." I mumbled. I wasn't sure he heard me till I glanced over and noticed the raised eyebrow. I knew he wanted me to continue on, give him the sordid tale. But it wouldn't work not now on an empty stomach. I was hungry. "How about we get some dinner. I am starving. Chinese and movies?"

"Fine, but I still expect you to tell me what is wrong." He said before turning to look out the window and get lost in his own thoughts. I wondered what he was thinking about, and secretly found myself hoping I was on his mind. I knew I had to tell him I was pregnant, he was bound to figure it out soon. I was already experiencing morning sickness and the symptoms would continue on. I also knew I would have to go and talk to Richard. Thank god I had the next day off. I would probably call and ask him to meet me for lunch. I didn't want to talk about this inside the hospital walls again, not yet. The only time I would was for the appointments. Other than that until it became necessary it remained a secret.

"Maybe." I said before turning and heading in the direction of a drive-through Chinese food place. "What do you want? I am getting crab Rangoon, two egg rolls, white rice and hmmm maybe some mixed fried rice." She said as they pulled up.

"Crab Rangoon, two egg rolls and white rice. Nix the mixed fried rice for me doll." He said with a wink. I placed the order and pulled up to the next window to pay. It would be a few minutes for the food so we paid then parked, someone would bring the food to us.

I turned and looked over at Derek studying him. There was stubble on his chin, not what I expected from such a 'sophisticated' surgeon. From the rumors I had heard the man was wealthy and divorced from the well known Addison Montgomery-Sloane. There was supposed scandal surrounding that whole affair. Mark was once Derek's best friend, well that obviously fell apart. I had heard that the three of them spoke again and were seen having dinner at least twice a month in some expensive places. I never expected that man from the rumors to be the same type of person sitting beside me. He was charming, sweet, and rich though he may be he opted to stay in one of the seedier places. He didn't seem to care about material possessions. He was living out of one bag for an undetermined amount of time. The food was brought out to us and I handed it over to Derek. It only took about five minutes to get back to my, correction our, house. I parked in the driveway, grabbed the food bag and got out nudging the car door shut with my hip as I tried to balance food, my purse and a few files. Derek had gotten to the door ahead of me and had it open. We walked in and I dropped my purse to the ground and put the food on the coffee table. The files went on the end table and I reached for the remote as I plopped down on the couch and kicked off my shoes.

"Have a seat. Time for dinner and maybe a movie if you can think of a good one." I said with a smile looking over at him. Derek didn't hesitate but sat down beside me on the couch. He grabbed the remote from me and turned on the TV, flipping through the channels he found Inside Man and turned it on. "Good choice." I said as I opened the bag of food, separating it between the two of us.

AN

Ok have to stop there. I wasn't even going to post a new one today, but I was inspired and had to keep writing. Again thanks for the reviews…but need to know whether a Derek P.O.V. chapter is a good idea. Hmm who is the baby's father? How will she tell Derek? Don't worry they will end up getting together, but she is hesitant, you have to understand why. Oh and just why did Derek leave New York? If he Addison and Mark are sorta friends now why would he leave?


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, if I did then Derek wouldn't have been such an ass in the last episode.

I sat there staring at the television screen not really seeing what was going on in the movie. No I could not enjoy an evening at home with this charming man sitting beside me. I had to be lost in my own thoughts. I didn't know if I could be a mother. If I was capable of what it took to raise another human being. I admit I practically raised myself after my father walked out, but that isn't the same. I can make myself survive, and even random patients, but to raise a child? I dipped a crab Rangoon into sweet and sour sauce before taking a bite and letting out a soft sigh at the taste. But even the delicious food couldn't keep my mind of the inevitable. Soon everything would be different, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I looked over at Derek and saw that he was looking at me, his eyes shifted back to the screen when he noticed that I was looking at him. His cheeks were tinged pink and I had to bite back a laugh. To think he would be embarrassed so easily.

I put the food aside, my appetite gone. I knew I would have to tell him soon that I was pregnant. Of everyone around he would be the first to notice, we did live together after all. I wasn't sure how he would feel about living with a single pregnant woman. But in order to tell him I was pregnant I would have to reveal it all. I would have to reveal that fact that I was a whore that I lived for tequila and one night stands. I would have to face him looking at me with disgust in his eyes. And I knew that I wasn't strong enough to take it right now. Hell I wasn't strong enough to take it ever. I don't know what it is about him that breaks me down like this. I don't want to disappoint him; I don't want to risk losing him. It would hurt too much, it would confirm it all. I would be alone. But he was a stranger, I didn't even know him yet I needed him here. Me asking him to live with me was proof enough of that.

"What's on your mind Mer?" He asked turning his head to look back over at me again.

"Do you really need to know?" I asked studying him. I didn't want to reveal all, did not want to get into some deep conversation that was guaranteed to result with me crying and him leaving disgusted.

"I am your friend; of course I need to know." He said studying me. I knew that it was now or never. I had to tell him, I couldn't see any way around it. He would know soon enough. It was time to let the secret out of the bag. I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves before speaking.

"I'm pregnant." I whispered looking over at him again. His eyes hardened for just a second before going soft again. I was puzzled at his reaction; he didn't seem to know what to say. Yet he didn't look disgusted either, then again I still hadn't told him the best, well I mean, worst part of it all.

"Is it Alex's?" The words were barely audible and I looked at him with a half smile.

"God I hope not." I couldn't help but laugh a little. Here I was sitting with a guy that I truly liked, admitting without actually saying it that I am a whore. "Maybe I should tell you the whole story?" I asked and looked over at him, he nodded slightly. "Ok here it goes. Damn I wish I could have some tequila right now, but probably not a good idea." I ran a hand through my hair and looked over at him again. He was studying me carefully, waiting for me to speak again. I couldn't look at him while I told him everything, so I looked back down at the floor. "I have never really been good at commitment. My mom was never there, dad abandoned us when I was young. To top it off she was having an affair with Richard. Didn't leave much time for me." I felt him move closer to me and then his arm wrap around my shoulder.

"God Mer, I am so sorry." He whispered.

"Don't be. Not everyone has a perfect life." I shrugged softly before continuing. "I didn't really date in high school. I was focused on school. I wanted so badly to become a surgeon, hoping to get my mothers approval. So I worked my ass off every single day." I smiled a little at the thought of high school. "I graduated valedictorian and that didn't impress her at all. But that's ok." I said softly. It wasn't really and I knew he sensed it. He pulled me into a hug and kissed the top of my head, but didn't say anything he just waited for me to continue with the story. "I went on to college, I got accepted everywhere I applied. But I chose to go to John Hopkins. Surprisingly my mother agreed to pay for it." I had been quite surprised. The day I told her I wanted to go to John Hopkins, and then to med-school there if I was accepted she told me I wouldn't make it. I suppose I should thank her for that, it made me all the more determined to succeed. And here I was, I did it and became a surgeon. But of course my mistakes always haunt me, and here I am single and pregnant. "That is where I met Christina, we were room mates. And despite her obvious bitchiness we clicked. We decided to stay room mates; she's well Christina is my person." I said as if it explained it all. "She became my family. We went to med school together and shared an apartment. She got to know the dark twisty me." I paused and took a deep breath. It all started in med school. I met Josh; I thought that he loved me. "I loved the bars, and tequila and sex. I always have, but it all stopped when I met Josh. He seemed perfect, he said he loved me. He was always there and he supported my dream of being a surgeon. Damn it, I thought he actually cared. I didn't have sex with him."

I laughed softly and wiped a few tears from my eyes. I was emotional and I knew it. But other than Christina, Izzie and George I had never told anyone any of this. Well Christina lived through it with me. She knew how much I suffered in that time, and as bitchy as she can be she was there for me. I sat up and grabbed my Sprite and took a sip of it before leaning back. Derek had shifted slightly so I ended up lying against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me again and waited without speaking. I was shocked that he hadn't left yet.

"He didn't understand why the class whore wouldn't give it up to him." I laughed bitterly, "I cared about him that's why. I waited, and for awhile he was patient. We were together for six months when he threatened to break up with me. I gave in and we had sex. My birth control failed and I ended up pregnant." I paused and had to fight back the tears, "He left me. The fucking coward transferred to Oxford for God's sake. He just didn't want me." I started to cry harder and I felt Derek squeeze me a little tighter. I turned slightly and he looked like he was going to say something. I shook my head if he spoke now, I would stop telling him and I couldn't do that not now. I would never continue then. "I continued with school, I was in denial I think. I worked so hard and had too much stress, I lost the baby. At first I thought I was ok with it, but it hurt so bad and it's not a pain you can erase. But still I worked my ass off in school. I graduated in the top five percent. Even then my mom wasn't proud of me." I laughed again, this one full of sorrow. "After the miscarriage the drinking got worse, and so did the sex. I am a whore and I won't deny it. I may be a brilliant surgeon, but I am a horrible person. I wasn't ever going to come back to Seattle. But my mom has Alzheimer's so here I am." I shrugged my shoulders and refused to look up at him. "I drink and sleep with random guys, and occasionally I stick with one guy like Alex. But I am never faithful, I can't be. So here I am single, pregnant with no idea who the father is, and I am all alone." As I voiced the final thoughts out loud I broke down.

Before I knew it tears were streaming down my face and it was starting to hurt. I turned slightly and buried my face in Derek's chest; he sat there holding me, rocking slightly trying to calm me down. But I didn't want to calm down. Everything that was wrong in my life was my fault. If I wouldn't have worked so hard I never would have had a miscarriage, then I wouldn't have descended into drinking and the darkness that's now my life. But then again, I wouldn't be the surgeon I am now. But even these rational thoughts did nothing to calm me. I sat there crying still, silent now as the tears raced down my cheeks. I was shaking and Derek was whispering something, but I didn't need to hear the words. The sound of his voice was enough right now. I don't know how long we sat there like that but eventually I calmed. I sat up and wiped my eyes before looking at him. I was expecting him to get up and leave. But no, instead he hugged me again.

"You are not alone Meredith." He said while reaching out and brushing a strand of hair out of my face. "I told you I was not giving up and I am not. You can do that, and you will never, and I mean never have to do it alone." He said looking me square in the eye. I believe him, and it made me feel a little bit safer. "Right now what you need to do is go lie down and relax. You don't need stress right now, you know that." He said gently before standing up and taking me by the hand. "I am going to tuck you in to make sure you actually get to bed." I was about to object, I had to put the food away still. "I will take care of the food." He said as if he could read my thoughts. "Now lead the way Mer."

I lead him up the stairs and to the last bedroom on the right. It was across the hall from the broken bathroom. I opened the door and flipped on the light. This had once been my parents' room. When I had first moved in and was living alone I refused to go near the place. But once I decided to rent out the other rooms I had taken over the master bedroom. I loved it now, the walls were painted a soft purple with black accents. There was a large window overlooking the back yard with a window seat. I loved to sit there and read when it rained. We walked further into my room and I turned with a small smile.

"I need to change." I said with a laugh. Derek walked out of the room closing the door behind him. He didn't say anything. I wasn't surprised that he didn't object, that was ok I wanted a minute or two to deal with telling him everything. Well not everything to be honest, of course I left some of it out. But with time he would learn all my secrets I supposed. That is if he stuck around long enough. I walked over to the dresser and pulled out a tank top and a pair of terry cloth shorts. It didn't take long for me to get changed but I stood there studying myself in the mirror for a moment. I didn't look any different than this morning, yet now I knew about the other life inside of me. And talking about it out loud with Derek made it all real. "You can come back in." I called out with a laugh. He entered the room immediately and I smiled.

"Hop into bed." He said pulling back the covers. He left the door open and walked over to the light shutting it off. The only light came from the hallway; it spilled through into my room but did little to actually light the place. Derek walked up to the bed and leaned forward pulling the blankets over me.

"Stay with me please. I just can't be alone tonight." I was afraid he was going to say no. He walked away from the bed and into the hallway. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes thinking he had left me. But he came back and shut the door behind him enveloping us in darkness. My eyes adjusted slightly and I could see him pulling off his jeans and shirt, leaving him in boxers. I scooted over in the bed and he climbed in beside me. I pulled the blankets over us and turned away from him, a smile creeping across my face as he pulled me close. "Derek, I am so scared. What if I can't do this? Be a mom. I never really had a good example." I fought back the tears; I didn't want to cry not again. But I couldn't help being an emotional wreck.

"You will make a great mother. I barely even know you and I know that. You will never allow what happened to you happen to your child." He sounded like he what he was saying had to be right. And I really wanted to believe him.

"Good night Derek." I whispered softly. I felt him kiss my head softly before I closed my eyes to try and sleep. I was exhausted, and didn't know if I wanted to go into work in the morning. I didn't have any surgeries planned and I was pretty sure Richard would let me have the day off. I just needed to talk to him about it, and I was dreading that. Eventually I succumbed to sleep, my dreams filled with Derek and my child.

A/N

Ok I was going to do this from Derek's P.O.V. I really was. But after the last episode I just couldn't do it. I am so mad at that episode damn him. Ok sorry had to vent a tiny bit. I will try to get another chapter up before Thursday when I head out for vacation, but that might not happen, I will try my hardest though. Keep up the reviews people please, please. They make me really really happy and then I will definitely write more. Yes people I am trying to bribe you here.

Haha,

Erica


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